Why Jesus?

My Testimony- From Seeker to Believer

I’ve always wanted to write and post my testimony so here it goes. It’s kind of long and complicated, but my prayer is that it will simply bless someone who needs to read this and that God will use this to speak to anyone. 

I grew up Catholic and I went to church as a child until I was in 8th grade. I was baptized kind of late for a Catholic, when I was 4 years old along side my younger sister, had my first communion by 7, and then confirmation in 8th grade. Truthfully, I did not like Sunday school at all. I had a negative perspective about church and the teachers. I thought school was boring and the teachers and kids were rude.

However, because of that experience I learned how to pray at a very early age. Both my catholic Sunday schooling as well as my religious/spiritual grandmother taught me how to pray.

Like many families, I grew up in a dysfunctional home. My dad was an had a drinking problem (btw he has been sober now for 10 years! Praise God! ) So, I prayed for him a lot, that’s the reason why I even knew that God or something existed. I believed in the power of prayer.

It just made sense, if we’re here then there must be something that created us.

By the time I got to high school I realized that my dad’s alcohol issue wasn’t normal and I felt bombarded with depression, anxiety, and a lost of hope. Studying history in one my high school classes I realized that religion was something that was taught and forced onto my ancestors, as well as other civilizations all around the world, so my skepticism towards the bible and Christianity grew. During that time I openly announced to all my friends that I was no longer believing in God.

I felt angry and arrogant but really I was just hurt that God wasn’t answering my prayers. After being so open about my new atheist belief, one of my good friends invited me to church.

This church wasn’t a Catholic church, it was a christian church with a strong biblical foundation. As soon as I walked in that church I felt that it was different, I just had a sense of peace and clarity. I remember sitting down even though we were late, and feeling like I was being called to accept Jesus into my life. Although I can’t remember for sure, I might have accepted Jesus as my Lord and savior that day, that was in 2008.

After that I didn’t go back to that specific church for a few years… 9 to be exact, and my belief about Jesus drifted my hot to cold. Sometimes I would believe, sometimes I would see him as an ascended master or a teacher, but not believing the whole bible or truly seeing Jesus as the “only” Son of the God. I didn’t understand the whole thing, nor did I really care.

My relationship with God was interesting. However, I did feel very angry and depressed about the situation with my father.

In high school and throughout my life I had prayed for the sobriety of my father and he never seemed to get better, things would go from calm, to moving, to bad and ugly, and the cycle would just continue. In my freshmen and sophomore year I prayed every single night for about two years on my knees for my dad. I didn’t do this just because I wanted to see my dad okay, but really because my dad and my family were going through so much struggle prayer just seemed my only option for a sense of hope. After I announced that I was a new non believer, things just seemed stagnant, I knew I was angry at God and I would say out loud “I hate you, you don’t listen, you’re not even real.” And then I would think if I supposedly “hate” this “God” who doesn’t exist, then who am I talking to then?

My perspective of God was so twisted that it got to the point where I just felt like well if God is real which he must because I’m here right now, which God is the real one? And which one is the fake one? I was convinced that God was just both good and bad.

Like I mentioned earlier my dad did become sober in 2010 and I give all the glory to God! Although I knew that God had heard my prayer, that didn’t mean that the fight was over. I struggled believing in God. Because even when I witnessed the miracle happening before my eyes, I still didn’t fully believe, I was too hurt to believe in God who would allow people to suffer and experience pain, and too naive to understand that pain and suffering is a part of life.

Fast forwarding to my sophomore year of college, I declared my major in History and I was studying about the colonials defeating and obliterating the indigenous culture which even furthered my unbelief in God. It got to the point that I grew so hard cold against God that I refused to believe in the bible at all.

I went to different sources of energy to understand God. I read the books like, “The Power of Now” and the “New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle, watched lots of Ralph Smart’s YouTube channel called “Infinite Waters”, read books on meditating and Buddhism, and did a lot of yoga, also I went vegan ;). There was peace that I would feel temporarily, but I never felt fully complete and whole. I was on a mission to find that deep peace, and that deep confidence that I was a whole person and that my past didn’t define me.

In 2016 I quit my good paying job to pursue my dreams, which I hadn’t fully discovered yet. I took a trip to Hawaii by myself with my savings to be alone and get clarity and healing from all that I had in my heart still tormenting me. I thought to myself if I could just touch the water then I would be healed.. but it didn’t happen that way.

Just getting to Hawaii wasn’t enough, it was all together painful, exhilarating and confusing. I was a hot mess to say the least, but at the same time I knew in the back of my mind and in my heart that everything I was going through had a meaning and a purpose.

Through all of this I was into slightly into new age practices, such as tarot cards, horoscopes, and a little tiny bit of witchcraft (don’t worry the most I did was try to make the world go vegan, but that’s another story). After a few things took place that made me hit a rock bottom and finally, long long story short, God led me to many things that pointed me back to His direction to the point where I felt confident and knew because I knew because I knew, that Jesus is the way the truth and the life and that no one could come to the father except through Him. John 14:6

If you would like to know more about my story or my testimony please feel free to message me and follow me on Instagram @pandamaria!

Also you can listen to my full story on my YouTube channel

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